CO2-molecule lobby plans to clear air about global warming

“A CO2-depleted world will stunt plant growth, reduce crop yields and lead to famine and starvation. You want that on your tree-hugging green conscience?”

Climate experts, politicians, environmentalists and assorted green organizations have been beating the daylight out of CO2 for decades, charging it with a litany of crimes against Mother Earth – heating the atmosphere, melting ice caps, raising sea levels, acidifying oceans, driving polar bears to extinction and generally making a mess of things on the planet.

As the hobgoblin of the green movement, CO2 has taken it on the atmospheric chin. But what if CO2 had its own atmospheric lobby and could fight back? Perhaps we might see a story like this one in the news.

CO2-molecule lobby plans to clear air about global warming

By Kirk Myer, Orlando Seminole County Environmental News

ORLANDO, Fla. – (Excerpts) – Faced with growing criticism, the CO2-molecule lobby said today that it will no longer take the heat for earth’s climate change, and has launched a campaign to restore its blackened reputation.

1. Stop calling CO2 molecules a pollutant – Plants depend on CO2, and they’ve been CO2-undernourished since the Jurassic period when our molecular presence was nearly five times higher than current levels. Not surprisingly, the CO2-famished plants of today are green with envy.

2. Tell Michael Mann to shut up – There is no hockey stick-shaped warming in the atmosphere (in fact, the earth is cooling now), and if there was, it wouldn’t be CO2′s fault. Why don’t you blame the sun for a change? Rremember the gloriously comfortable days of the Roman Warm Era and Medieval Warm Period – a time when there were no cars, factories and power plants? Back then, humans were growing vineyards in England and raising crops in Greenland.

3. End discrimination – CO2 is the whipping boy for every major climate disaster. We get blamed when it’s hot and screamed at when it’s cold. But the big yellow ball in the sky never takes the heat. Why? Please look at the blast furnace overhead for a change.

4. Quit passing the buck – Humans are breathing CO2 factories, but you never want to acknowledge your gaseous contribution. So if you’re truly serious about reducing the percentage of CO2 molecules, stop breathing and talking. (We’ve discovered, by the way, that CO2 emissions – and our molecular numbers – rise dramatically whenever Chicken Little eco-dummies like Al Gore take the microphone.)

5. Apologize to trees and other vegetation – Most of you spend lots of time and money tending your garden, caring for plants, trimming trees and manicuring your lawn. Your yard is a source of pride, and you brag about it to neighbors. So why in Heaven do you want to reduce its precious CO2 supply – nature’s sustenance? Shame on you!

6. Urge Al Gore to take an oath of silence – The former VP is a charlatan and disgrace. All his flashy multimedia presentations cast us as some sort of global warming satan. Look carefully at CO2 and temperature charts. When you superimpose them, you’ll find CO2 shuffling along hundreds of years after temperatures have risen. No wonder the enemies of CO2 show the charts separately. Telling the truth is just too inconvenient.

7. Stop ignoring water vapor –  Water vapor is by far the most abundant greenhouse gas. Yet it rarely gets mentioned in all the sky-is-falling rhetoric about global warming. At slightly less than four percent, CO2 is the small fry on the greenhouse-gas scale, along with methane, nitrous oxide, ozone and a few other trace gases. The big Kahuna, water vapor, is responsible for 95 percent of the greenhouse effect, and keeps your climate cozy and warm. Without its insulating effects, life on earth would be unbearably cold. We’d like to see you try to ban water vapor!

8. Stop fudging data – Professor Phil Jones, Dr. Michael Mann and other so-called climate scientists have manipulated temperature data to make CO2 look like the most harmful molecule on the planet. After reading a few of their CRU e-mails, we now know that they’ve warmed the earth more with their cooked research and phony models then we could ever do as a lowly CO2 gas. They’ve done a great disservice to plant life on earth with their incessant attacks on a blameless group of molecules whose atmospheric presence is a piddly 385 parts per million. If these hucksters truly desire redemption, they should shut up about climate change and exhale frequently for the good of the redwoods.

9. Protect earth’s food supply – If you succeed in carrying out your CO2 ethnic cleansing plan, you’ll hurt all vegetation. (Trees and plants don’t react well when deprived of their favorite atmospheric meal.) A CO2-depleted world will stunt plant growth, reduce crop yields and lead to famine and starvation. You want that on your tree-hugging green conscience?

10. Listen to honest scientists – Most of the climate experts predicting greenhouse doom are either on the government payroll, knee-deep in research  grants or supplying the scientific rationale behind legislation designed to  extort money from consumers in the form of carbon taxes. They have a vested  interest in scaring the bejeebers out of people about the wickedness of the CO2  molecule – one of the most good-natured elements in the atmosphere. Their  gloomy forecasts and high drama are full of hot air – pure junk science. They  should be out on the street looking for work instead of receiving awards and  more grant money.

The CO2 Alliance’s list of demands is not open to negotiation, said Greta
Carbo, president of the League of Carbon Dioxide, a CO2-friendly lobby group
with close ties to AC20M. In her opening speech last night, she called the
anti-CO2 movement “dangerously extreme” and “a threat to all life on earth.”

“We’ve stood by for decades while pseudo-scientists, self-serving politicians
and the hysterical green movement bad-mouthed earth-friendly CO2 molecules for simply floating around and minding their own business. We’re tired of the
fright-mongering. It’s time to set the record straight.”

“We need to expose the lies, hysterics and rigged climate models driving the greenhouse scare campaign. Humans need to hear the truth about CO2. Their lives, and their children’s lives, depend on it,” Carbo said.

See entire article:
http://www.examiner.com/article/co2-molecule-lobby-plans-to-clear-air-about-global-warming

Thanks to Kirk Myers for this link